Yesterday on my bi-weekly trip to Costco I agreed to step up and to make one of those purchases that forever proves your commitment to a woman. Armed only with a hand scratched description of the box, I ventured into the health and beauty aids area to purchase some sort of lotion, spray, or cream whose purpose I will never understand. I now offer a how to guide for all you guys out there willing to perform all the shopping for your household.
Step One: When approached and asked to add this item to your list, sincerely agree to come home with this request. If you’re uncomfortable (which I can see being understandable) say so and don’t return with a lame story of how, “I meant to get it, but I didn’t remember until I was in line at the register for ten minutes and I just figured you’d be able to get it later. Love you.”
Step Two: All right so you’re at the store and you’ve prepared yourself mentally for the big moment so its time scout out the health and beauty aids section for your prey. First, walk confidently up and down the aisles like you know exactly what you’re searching for so as not to draw attention from a sales person looking to help/embarrass you. It also helps to not focus directly on every item because this will indicate you are searching for something specific. Take a wide view of your surroundings while carefully keeping an eye open for your target.
Step Three: Once you’ve found what you’re looking for there’s no need to grab it immediately. The true pros will walk right by without breaking stride while making a mental note of where they need to return. Now it’s time to engage in some recon by figuring out how many people are shopping in the area and what your best escape route will be. Feel free to pass by your item of choice two or three more times without showing your hand.
Step Four: Be prepared with an excuse of in case someone stops you. I usually go with, “I’m looking for the 20th Anniversary Two Disc Gold Edition of The Goonies and I think I’m in the wrong section” before running out of the store screaming “Abort, Abort” without making eye contact with another person until I’m home.
Step Five: In order to make the proper pick up you need at least two hundred and fifty yards of aisle space to build up the proper momentum to swoop in for the no look, knock the goods off the shelf into the cart without stopping finale. Warning: You must be good at weaving and offering rapid “Excuse Me” comments to complete this move.
Step Six: Now that prize lies in your cart it’s time to provide some cloud cover on the way to the register. I would personally go with a Dora the Explorer sleeping bag, a 350-piece bag of Buffalo wings, and a box of Scooby Doo fruit snacks.
Step Seven: It’s time for check out so try to find a guy working the register because you can at least make a few jokes about it. If you have to use a woman carefully place the bomb in the middle of all your items and NEVER look at it until it’s safely out of the store next to your car. Place it in the car and drive home ignoring all red lights.
Good luck and happy shopping!!
Step One: When approached and asked to add this item to your list, sincerely agree to come home with this request. If you’re uncomfortable (which I can see being understandable) say so and don’t return with a lame story of how, “I meant to get it, but I didn’t remember until I was in line at the register for ten minutes and I just figured you’d be able to get it later. Love you.”
Step Two: All right so you’re at the store and you’ve prepared yourself mentally for the big moment so its time scout out the health and beauty aids section for your prey. First, walk confidently up and down the aisles like you know exactly what you’re searching for so as not to draw attention from a sales person looking to help/embarrass you. It also helps to not focus directly on every item because this will indicate you are searching for something specific. Take a wide view of your surroundings while carefully keeping an eye open for your target.
Step Three: Once you’ve found what you’re looking for there’s no need to grab it immediately. The true pros will walk right by without breaking stride while making a mental note of where they need to return. Now it’s time to engage in some recon by figuring out how many people are shopping in the area and what your best escape route will be. Feel free to pass by your item of choice two or three more times without showing your hand.
Step Four: Be prepared with an excuse of in case someone stops you. I usually go with, “I’m looking for the 20th Anniversary Two Disc Gold Edition of The Goonies and I think I’m in the wrong section” before running out of the store screaming “Abort, Abort” without making eye contact with another person until I’m home.
Step Five: In order to make the proper pick up you need at least two hundred and fifty yards of aisle space to build up the proper momentum to swoop in for the no look, knock the goods off the shelf into the cart without stopping finale. Warning: You must be good at weaving and offering rapid “Excuse Me” comments to complete this move.
Step Six: Now that prize lies in your cart it’s time to provide some cloud cover on the way to the register. I would personally go with a Dora the Explorer sleeping bag, a 350-piece bag of Buffalo wings, and a box of Scooby Doo fruit snacks.
Step Seven: It’s time for check out so try to find a guy working the register because you can at least make a few jokes about it. If you have to use a woman carefully place the bomb in the middle of all your items and NEVER look at it until it’s safely out of the store next to your car. Place it in the car and drive home ignoring all red lights.
Good luck and happy shopping!!
1 comment:
Though metrosexuality is the new pegged jeans, I am still an male outed product junkie. My hair product - and it is called "product" - costs more than $18.00 for 4 ounces, or about the same cost per ounce as Perigord truffles, which are only found in certain parts of France by using specially trained pigs. Needless to say, I don't have a problem picking up a bottle of C.O. Bigelow for my girlfriend.
All of that can be thrown out of the window, however, when it comes to feminine hygiene products. This is the most difficult to buy for a man.
To make matters worse, the cashier always gives me a look that says she believes that I am going do something unseemly with the box of tampons and the pack of twizzlers I am purchasing as soon as I leave the drugstore, which is just not true. It's too early for Christmas ornaments, and I don't have a dog to decorate.
Post a Comment