Labor for the Weekend

Another summer will be closing up shop this weekend and we hope everyone spent some quality time out in the sun over the past few weeks. We’ll be heading down to Nueva Jersey for a few days for one of the greatest parties this side of Studio 54, but here’s some ideas if you can’t come up with anything to do.

Fall TV season lurks right around the corner and I can’t think of a better way to enjoy a nice weekend than by watching every season of the Gilmore Girls while eating six tubes of cookie dough.

If the weather proved to hold up, head outside for some exercise. And by exercise I mean drive over to your favorite trail, wearing a hockey mask with nothing else, and jump out at unsuspecting people jogging alone while screaming, “Are you my mommy?” The screams for mercy will ring in your head for days. If you’re looking to jazz this one up a bit I recommend working in some urine.

Go to a party you’re not invited to. Walk around your neighborhood, find the house where everyone congregating, and go inside. After that, the rest is up to you. Hide in the corner while enjoying a few free drinks or strike up a conversation with complete strangers who may become your friends. Of course my personal favorite concerns deciding you’re the funniest person in the room by being an obnoxious ass and seeing how long it takes before the host figures out you don’t belong and asks you to leave.

Spend a day in the kitchen and teach yourself to cook a new dish. I created my famous salmon l’orange by setting the oven to 450 and preparing chicken with chocolate sauce, a jar of mayonnaise, jelly beans, cantaloupe, cheese wiz, coconut, salt, pepper, and a little mint. Allow to sit in the sun for 45 minutes, consume, and be prepared to vomit. After falling ill, you will observe what appears to have once been a dish called salmon l’orange and will then stick your head in the preheated stove because you will feel so awful you will want to die.


Decide to fill you weekly quota for your blog by writing a particularly unamusing post to buy you a few days to come up with something acceptable


Have a safe weekend!

I love You, But I Don't think So, Part II

It’s been a little over a month since my list of sure fire hits found themselves on the scrap heap, but this hasn’t stopped me from developing some fashion based thoughts an anonymous person has ensured me will not occur.

A few weeks back, loyal readers Chris and Amy invited a small group over for dinner and the topic of conversation turned to a recent Vegas wedding they attended. First off, no we will not be canceling everything and doing a quickie Britney Spears style ceremony in Sin City. We also will not be having an Elvis, Wayne Newton, Tom Jones, Liza Minneli, or Celine Dion impersonator at the wedding. Instead, I will be scouting out the cocktail waitress outfits from each casino and each bride’s maid will wear a different dress (or lack thereof).



I realized I couldn’t let the ladies have all the fun so I have decided to where one of the tuxedo and top hat combinations Jeff Daniels and Jim Carey wore in Dumb and Dumber. I’m leaning towards the sherbet orange since it’s the summer, but I could be swayed to select the North Carolina blue.

Seeing as how the wedding will be occurring at the beginning of the summer, I’m concerned about how my groomsmen will take the heat in those tuxedos during the four hours scheduled for pictures. A brief search of the Internet has led me to decide to allow these fine gentlemen to wear a tuxedo short combination reminiscent to Eddie Munster. Don’t worry guys you can thank me later.

I'll be back in a few weeks with some more ideas that will never see the light of day.

Are You Ready for Some Football(Celebrity Style)?????

All right sports fans. It’s that time of year again when you scour the Internet and buy all the magazines off the newsstand to prepare for your fantasy draft. As a self-proclaimed expert on the subject, I have compiled my own list of tips to ensure your team will be the last one standing at the end of the season. Let the fantasy begin.


Quarterback: This position requires an individual with a good head on their shoulders to read defensive schemes and know the proper play to call in the clutch. While youth has occasionally succeeded in this role, I strongly recommend selecting a person with a few years under their belt because experience matters. Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Garner consistently lead in this area. If you need someone with a good play action fake, take Anne Heche in the middle rounds.

Running Back: Arguably, the most important position on your roster. The key will be to find someone with a strong track record of knowing how to handle the ball with the versatility and desire to get into the end zone at all costs. The smart pick here would be Tara Reid, but if you have a pick deep in the draft Jillian Barberie may still be available to provide quality points.

Wide Receiver: A strong player with the body of a dancer willing to work the middle or go deep in order to break any defense serves as a necessity for this roster spot. Personally, I prefer fast players who score easily so Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, Christina Aguilera rank high on my draft board. Sadly, I am sure you’re aware perennial league leader, Britney Spears, will be out for the season.

Tight End: These teammates need a willingness to do anything the team requires of them because they may need to play an unheralded supporting role for years until they have that one opportunity to shock everyone with their sudden ability and create numerous debates as to whether it will last. Two words: Katie Holmes

Kicker: A valuable points position where the only thing required is a nice leg and nothing else. Grab Jessica Simpson if she’s available.

Other thoughts: Coming off her fantastic rookie campaign, I am nervous about running back Lindsay Lohan’s off season training regimen. Rumor has it she and Nicole Ritchie worked out together and I fear she may have lost too much weight to continue playing her natural position. Look for her coaches to shift her to wide receiver.



Good luck with your season and please feel free to contact me with further questions

Life's A Beach

This week serves as my summer vacation for 2005 and I’ve been spending it down at the beach in R.I. For those of you who haven’t taken your summer break yet, I recommend you make arrangements to take next week off. There’s one thing to put together a three, four, and even five day weekend, but it’s a wonderful feeling to settle down at an outdoor bar(or four) on a Sunday or Monday night knowing you have the freedom to set your own schedule for the next week. There’s no need to scour the internet looking for the hottest last minute airfare because there’s plenty to do right around the corner. In fact, do you ever notice after a week away from home to get some much needed relaxation you end up involved with so many different aspects of your trip that you need even more time off to recover? Instead, take care of those errands that have been building up in between day trips to Six Flags, the nearest body of water, and catching up with friends. I don’t always like to be organized and while I appreciate that far away destination, sometimes I like to let things unfold as life lets them because it becomes more interesting that way.

For the past three days, I’ve had perfect weather to pack a lunch, a towel, and a good book as I spend my hours under the sun. This serves as the perfect form of relaxation for me because this is how I spent many summers growing up. It’s a great feeling because everyone from less than a year old to eighty has one thing on their mind and that is to enjoy themselves. I’m not even sure I have confidence in the bronze skinned life guards being able to save someone as they chill out listening to their radios. It’s always interesting to me how people spend their time relaxing at the beach. There are people boogie boarding, digging holes to no where, or throwing a football around. One of our beach legends spends hours every weekend with a bucket of tools carefully crafting impressively detailed sand castles. This week I’ve been able to watch a woman introduce her cute eight month old daughter, Lily, to the wonders of the beach, but my favorite story concerns a family of four who sat behind me on Tuesday. Upon arrival, the father immediately became a five year old boy running in and out of the water. When he came out the third or fourth time, his wife informed him it was almost three o’clock and they needed to leave soon. To this he responded, he wanted to go in one more time and proceeded to run back down to the water less than ninety seconds after he emerged. Pure beach brilliance.

And please beware of the seagulls(a.k.a. searats) because they’ve been very active in sandwich poaching this year. One of them even bit a member of Lily’s family in order to successfully steal his lunch.

Weddings, Weddings Everywhere

This summer has been loaded with exciting news, as we would like to extend congratulations to our friends Amy and Rob on their engagement last weekend. Good luck and we look for forward to exchanging wedding notes.

In addition, I also received word from my old college friend, Ralph, he and his girlfriend Stella will be getting married in the fall of 2006. We also wish you the best of luck in your planning process. On a side note, most of our readers don't know Ralph, but he does an outstanding impression of me and I recommend you ask him to hear it if you ever end up in his company.

For those of you keeping score, that's three engagements in one weekand and will make for five weddings (including our own) next year. This pales in comparison to Nick and Katie's 2004 ten wedding gauntlet world tour, but there's still a few months to build on that figure. All in all, it's going to get pretty hectic so I've put the hamster wheel in my head to work and have come up with a couple of ideas to minimize some of the stress and travel.

Let's round up all the eligible couples and have a group wedding in the Unification Church. I am not too sure on the rules of this organization specializing in mass weddings so everyone in attendance may technically be getting married to their guest. For this reason, I would recommend not bringing your sister, a pet, or the skanky coworker with the disturbing crush you only brought in case you don't meet anyone else at the reception. The most appealing aspect about this idea would be to see if two or more brides and their mothers could work together AND still be on speaking terms after the event. Now that's a wedding story.

Instead of making things easy on all of our guests by having everything on one day, we could go the other route and have a wedding all-star week. On day one, the first couple would get married, have their reception, and then everyone would wake up the next day to join the caravan en route to the next destination. You have to admit, while it would put a serious dent in everyone's wallet, it would be an exciting period filled with good food, lots of drunkenness, and plentyof debauchery. And who said you only have one Senior Week? There could even be a skills competition leading up to the celebration featuring cooking, debating, antiquing, and the ever popular slam-dunk contest.

That's all for now. Anyone have any ideas on a third option?

White Out

I’d like to take the time to pay some bills and give a little plug for my good friend Chris White on his fledgling comedy career. Chris and I met at the University of Richmond where he developed as a humor columnist for the school’s newspaper his entire college tenure culminating with a rise to editor during his senior year. Shortly after graduating, Chris landed in Washington, D.C. and after a job or two he landed at the Writer’s Group of the Washington Post. In 2002, Chris began experimenting with stand up comedy at various open mic nights in the Baltimore/D.C. area and eventually developed a promising second career for himself. He honed his craft to become a local celebrity through his performances, by organizing shows, and by creating www.dcstandup.com to provide people with news and schedules for the local comedy scene. After recording a CD last summer, Chris abandoned his day job in October to give full time comedy a shot and has been touring the country with reckless abandon. His material plays on experiences his audience can relate to such as family and being in a relationship with extremely positive results. Chris works very well with the crowd by feeling their attitude out with a few jokes before selecting the direction he would like to engage in for the rest of the evening.

Last spring, Chris came up to Beantown to enter the Boston Comedy Festival and with a decent size fan club in attendance, he managed to make it to the sixteen person semi-final. I still remember jumping up and yelling when the judges announced the first round results. For 2005, the festival has been moved to September and once again Chris will be competing to be the funniest person in Boston. His scheduled show with be Monday, September 12th at the Charles Playhouse, and please feel free to contact me or visit www.bostoncomedyfestival.com for more details.

Please visit www.dcstandup.com for details on when Chris is performing in your area or to order his CD. He’s also a great guy so feel free to send him an email to say hello or if you have any thoughts about his new career.

If you enjoy killing time at work, check out his hilarious daily blog at www.chriswhitesucks.com/blog.php or click the link on the left side of this page.

If you are not satisfied with what Chris is charging for his CD I will burn you a copy for half the price.

Please contact me about getting a link or a review if you would like to have advertise with bethdon.blogspot.com

A Wedding Story

Congratulations to our good friends Nick and Katie on their recent engagement. Bethany and I owe these two a great deal because they indirectly played cupid shortly after their relationship began by getting us together at a margarita party the ladies hosted. Katie and Nick met at a Survivor party out in Brighton and while I vaguely remember Katie dancing on the windowsill, I truthfully had no idea why he chose to stay behind at four in the morning. Obviously, he knew something I didn’t and I am sure as heck happy he did.

Nick and I have been close friends since the second grade and lived together for the past six years while Bethany and Katie met in college before sharing an apartment for three years after graduation. I think we finally found the correct formula for the two relationships, two friendships and two homes scenario after Nick traded me for Katie and 15 extra minutes in the shower. I am excited and proud the four of us made it to the grand finale and here’s to many more enjoyable nights like this past Saturday less the lightening storms commencing the second we sat down at the table for dinner.

Once again, this is wonderful news and I wish you nothing, but the best of luck in the future.

D

PS Happy Birthday Katie

Reality Check Part I

I have never been one to deny my lifelong love for television, but for some reason I found myself watching an excessive amount of reality programming over the past week. Is it me or are there now more people in this country who have been on television than those who are nameless? Perhaps the tide will turn and people will start asking for my autograph because they don’t know who I am. Now on with my report of this week’s highlights.

Hogan Knows Best: This enjoyable show details the escapades of professional wrestler Hulk Hogan and his family. This series has been getting attention because his daughter, Brooke, is sixteen with the body of a twenty three year old model. She is very down to earth, however, and far from a snob. One of the episodes I watched concerned a twenty two year old college student asking Brooke out, which infuriated Hogan because unlike the Hilton parents he understands why teenagers shouldn’t be clubbing and drinking. Of course, the rational result to this problem is to call the suitor out about trying to sleep with you daughter in a one on one meeting and then secretly installing a GPS tracker in your daughter’s car to tail their every move.


Celebrity Fit Club 2: You would think any project starring Gary Busey, Jackee, and the lead singer from Warrant competing for prizes as they try to lose weight would be a slam-dunk to make fun of. My reaction, however, ended up being the exact opposite after witnessing sweet as pie former SNL star Victoria Jackson and the Snapple Lady have their personal moment in front of the judges. VHL needed to enact the silly competitions to attract viewers, but this group has been seriously broken psychologically by their battle with dieting and demonstrated strong support for each other. On the flip side, watching former Eight is Enough child star, Willie Aames, threatening a kick boxing champion and a boot camp instructor over a surprise morning workout made for some quality television.


Kill Reality: My verdict is still out on this original premise, which concerns a collection of reality alumni living together and as they film a horror movie. I witnessed atrocious acting by Bob from The Bachelor and a budding romance between Jenna from the inaugural Survivor and Steven Hill from Real World: Las Vegas. What is with this guy and attractive woman? If your memory needs some assistance, this was the dude who showed up in Vegas to announce at the ripe old age of twenty he already had been married and divorced. This apparently impressed his new roommate Trishelle so she agreed to have sex with him within hours after meeting and then continued a lengthy relationship filled with unprotected sex as basically complete strangers.

Surreal Life 4: Each minute of this program made me change my mind as to whether The Apprentice’s Omarosa or supermodel Janice Dickson should be ranked as the most psychotic. Also, Balki from Perfect Strangers and Jose Canseco add their two sense to mix things up. The oddest thing about this show is the most normal person turns out to be motocross star Corey Hart. Please note this does not surprise me because I criticize his line of work, but because he doesn’t seem to realize his girlfriend, Pink, has the lower torso of a man.

Wild On Tara: For the love of all humanity this is one of the worst television programs I have ever seen. I don’t know who at E! thought Tara Reid could host a television show, let alone be sober enough to do anything, but he probably has been fired so his wife knows about the affair he had with her anyway. This “tour” of Greece turned out to be lots of partying, autograph signing, and blatant shots of Tara hung over while talking about shopping. Her sidekick is clearly the guy in love with the hot girl so he gets stuck doing all of her chores (like diving for sea urchins) and gets rewarded ny watching her grind with other men at night. Finally, you really need to download the theme song if you have not heard it because I cannot describe how bad a song that actually uses Tara Reid's name in it can possibly be.

I Scream, You Scream

I love ice cream and anyone I have ever lived with can attest to my enjoyment in this tasty treat. I sample all varieties by my ultra scientific method of only selecting the brand on sale, however, I do rotate and experiment between different flavors. Sometimes I’ll select a plain flavor like chocolate or coffee while other times I will go with chocolate chip or something really crazy like vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips, fudge, and nuts. If I had a baseball card for my ice cream eating I think the back of my card would contain the following statistics.

• Favorite Ice Cream: Mint Chocolate Chip (Green only)
• Currently in the Freezer: Breyer’s Brownie Mud Pie- Chocolate Ice Cream, Brownies, Caramel, and Pralines, Oh Snap
• Current Favorite at My Local Ice Cream Shop: Wonka Bar
• Favorite Added Topping: M&Ms
• Favorite Alternative Ice Cream Product: Hood Ice Cream Sandwich
• Flavor I Never Purchase and Don’t Know Why: Cookies and Cream
• Most Debated Flavors with Bethany: She wants Vanilla Bean or I want Neapolitan
• Brand Most Excited to See On Sale: Turkey Hill and I’ll probably go with the Peanut Butter and Chocolate

We’re in the middle of August and that’s prime ice cream season where I’m from. I still remember my introduction to summer ice cream during my family’s regular trips to Gray’s in Tiverton, R.I. I always went with Peppermint Stick and visited Rusty, the horse next door, to feed him a carrot. It recently occurred to me my father probably made up this horse’s name which would explain why he never returned my calls. I guess I’ll always have that bottle of Elmer’s glue my dad said they were keeping his ashes in after I learned we would not be able to visit Gray’s or Rusty again when we moved to another town

After the move, we went to Frosty Freeze which specialized in soft ice cream and dipping which some of you may know as magic shell. At this point in my life, I became a huge fan of the chocolate and vanilla soft serve combination with the chocolate shell. This did the trick for several years before we no longer needed to drive anywhere for our cones because the ice cream man now came to our house. Each night after dinner, I would hear the jingle playing in my head right now, dig some change out from under the cushions, and go running outside to catch the truck as it came down the street. The options were endless and included, but were not limited to the chocolate éclair, strawberry shortcake, screwball, push pop, bomb pop, fudgicle, creamcicle, and the root beer popsicle. Have you visited an ice cream truck today? It’s the chipwich, nine versions of Power Ranger bars, and some movie tie in products for $3.85 each. If I grew up in this generation my parents would need to apply for a financial aid package at the beginning of each summer.

For the past six years I’ve lived within walking distance of an ice cream shop originally called Denise’s which two years ago became the local Boston chain J.P. Licks. I have had well-documented problems with both of these places politely expressed in several misplaced rants. First, whoever ran Denise’s felt no problem with allowing their employees to express themselves freely at work which most often came in the form of multiple inappropriate facial piercings showing no respect for the customer. I’m sorry, but when I am going to purchase something to EAT from your establishment I do not want to be served by a woman with a bullring through her nose no matter how polite she may be. Society may not want to admit it, but there’s difference between expressing yourself and feeling the need to make your personal problems known to strangers at your workplace. Yes, the obnoxious employee who felt her uniform should require a sideways hat does deserved to be fired and a smack across the head, but I digress because things changed once the new owners took control and I can now get back to my ice cream issues.

Bethany and I like take a walk on warm evenings and have a nice dessert date of a cone down at J.P. Licks. My problem concerns the twenty-five flavors we find ourselves presented with because I find seven or eight of them beyond absurd. Rum Raisin? Praline? Butter Pecan? Pistachio? Cucumber? Green Tea? Guinness? Who in the heck is eating this stuff? Half of these varieties were in vogue when our grandparents were in their roaring twenties and the other half sound like they were invented during a fraternity dare. You factor in the standard flavors (Vanilla, Chocolate, etc) people order every once in awhile and you’re down to four or five options leading to everyone ordering Coffee Oreo. This summer, however, I have made peace with my local ice cream parlor as their mad scientists have created Wonka Bar which consists of chocolate ice cream with chopped candy bars made of milk chocolate and graham cracker. I strongly recommend everyone find a way to try this delicious flavor before the summer is through.

How about a little class participation on this post on what flavor everyone enjoys. I don’t even need complete sentences. Just simple, scrumptious ice cream flavors

A Magical Review...Or Two

On Saturday July 16th, I awoke to a thump at the door, leapt out of bed, and threw on my wizard’s hat before running to pick up my brand new owl delivered copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling. For those of you who have not taken part in the Harry phenomenon, I strongly urge you to give the first book a chance and discover the wonderful story of an orphaned boy with a mysterious mark as he tries to learn his own story while developing his magical powers with the aid of two loyal friends. Personally, I feel I am living in an important moment in literary history, as I cannot conceive how these books will not be read for generations to come. This may be Rowling’s first foray as a mainstream author, but she has implemented a well-conceived plot, developed her characters beautifully, and even proved to be able to change her writing style as her main characters have grown up. I will openly admit the change in technique introduced at the end of the fourth book had me seriously concerned the future books would be disappointing, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I know people of all different ages and backgrounds have found themselves thoroughly satisfied with the Harry Potter story so do yourself a favor and jump on aboard. And at the very least you can compare notes with your friends on how you initially tried to pronounce Hermione’s name.


On Monday evening, I finished reading my new book and the sixth installment of this series left me in a thoughtful mood. I would have to vote the fifth book, Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix my favorite and I think The Half Blood Prince falls in the third place behind The Goblet of Fire. In the latest adventure, Harry and his friends have turned sixteen as they begin their sixth year at the wizardry school, Hogwarts. Without giving any plotlines away, I would have to describe this book as extremely focused on the relationships formed as a teenager. All the students begin to discover their interest in the opposite sex and Harry discovers his teen angst in dealing with the adults in his life. I have heard some reviewers describe this book as the darkest of the series and I strongly disagree with this point. I began the story thinking I would be reading the Empire Strikes Back of the series where all hell breaks loose so the hero can take charge in the seventh book. Instead, I found the previous two novels to have more captivating scenes while this adventure revolved around transition as a teenager as well as setting up a storyline to be fulfilled in the next edition which I feel will make me appreciate this installment. If you have read the prior books in the series, I recommend The Half Blood Prince because you will not be able to put it down, but be prepared to have several questions once you read the last sentence.


While I’m on the topic of channeling your inner youth, two weeks ago Bethany and I went on a date (do you think she likes me?) to see Tim Burton’s adaptation of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and we both loved this movie. Even though I read the book and had seen the previous film I don’t think I really knew what to expect when I walked in the theater. What we found was one of those creative, attention-grabbing films which makes you exit with a smile on your face. Johnny Depp once again beautifully demonstrated his versatility as the socially inept Wonka and I think I laughed at every one of his lines. The best part of the movie, however, comes with Burton’s clever vision for the Oompa Loompas. I will not spoil the surprise, but Deep Roy played every one of these characters and I cannot imagine another scene where an actor in a movie could have had more fun. If you find yourself militantly against book adaptations or movie remakes you will probably find a way to dislike this film and my review, but I recommend it if you are looking for a fun time or a pick me up.